This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
