he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
