I accidentally had phone sex last night
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
