How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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