god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
