Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
