I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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