I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize