I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
