If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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