If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
