The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
