Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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