and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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