I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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