You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
