I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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