My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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