Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
