apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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