I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
