my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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