Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
