my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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