"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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