It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
