Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
