hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize