I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
