Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
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