he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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