My nipple is on Facebook.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
