oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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