Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
