So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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