You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
