Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
