two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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