My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
True strength comes from lack of pants
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
