Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
