Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
