When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
