my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize