First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize