He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
