She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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