I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize