awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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