I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
