White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
