she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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