Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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