Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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