so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
pray to the hookup gods
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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