Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
