Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
