I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
