I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize