i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
